Cat fur and itchy crumbs,
The soft and milky
Spell of films and laughter,
Salty tears the blanket took,
Stretchy holes and threads
Pulled loose by happy claws –
The ecstasy of dribbling jaws –
Bobbly bits I want to pull
(Pigtails on the girl in front)
And dingy bits from god knows what –
Old friends –
Do not wash my yellow blanket.
Tea and a cat
What could be better than that?
In the crunch tight
Heat creep of my fear
I sway to ill face,
No space, breathless.
You, the faceless,
Walk past, wondering,
Not wondering, in
Your high-ground flow
Of real life; no
Knife, no need to feel
Pain to stay sane, too
Busy to hurt.
You and your friend
Chat, laughing with red
Cheeks, dogs tasting run
Joy, chase toy, free.
I ache with wild
Eyes, mute cries, searching
A parched place, stumbling
And sand blind, lost.
Patter of fur paws,
Small claws, follow my
Right side. Our two worlds
Collide, changing
My mind tide. You,
Just a small dog, look
With your brown eyes, see
Through my disguise.
Water for dry
Lips, first drips, beat skips,
Knowing that you know:
Feel, care, somehow.
Just a few short
Steps, with you at my
Side, then, sharp, a shriek,
Call, throw ball. Gone.
Walk on, still in
A dark land: sounds grand,
But it’s a crass shop.
Sharp drop, tools that
Are missold: too
Old, broken and tacky.
Bright paint and cheap glue
Making them seem
New. But now your
Brown eyes, steady and
Soul kind, pierce through my
Heart rind: unwind the
Pain bind. I have a
Friend.
In the sun your fur is tiger brown:
A reddish light that warms my heart.
Your tummy flat, black nose lifted high,
Eyes that dart and glint, quick green,
Legs that spring with power coiled,
Jaws that snap and click to catch
And landing with the softest touch
On grass that takes your paws with love
And holds you, nonchalant with easy pride:
Master of the Spring.
Today we made a green robot.
It had cardigan buttons
For cheerful eyes
And glitter on its chest;
An old black thing
To press and beep.
It was done: without doubt the best.
Today we took out your skateboard
And had a go on the path.
We laughed and clung
To each other with fear.
Step up with one,
Push with the other,
Then fall with aplomb on your rear.
Today we hunted for nature;
You had a takeaway box
And filled it with
Flowers, acorns and leaves.
Red in the face,
Hair everywhere,
All sorts of damp bits up your sleeves.
Today we created three masks
For superhero figures.
Each had its own
Logo: complex and small.
Card to cut out,
Paper to stick,
And a place on each bedroom wall.
Today we went to the fun pool:
The one with the slide and jets.
I was the beast
For seeking and hiding;
You swam away
Squealing with glee.
I was the whale for riding.
At bedtime, cuddled on my lap,
You smelt all lovely and warm.
We read a book
About life’s rights and wrongs.
You brushed your teeth,
Not without fuss.
You slept whilst I finished your songs.
And now you’re in bed and I’m tired,
But I’m not stressed out this time.
I leave the mess,
Admire the cat’s repose.
I have to take
These little wins
And hold them close.
Through the smudged window
The snow falls.
A small wet sort:
Inconsequential, unsettling.
Smeary handprints:
A glimpse of fun and mischief.
A reminder of
What’s to come.
This last bit
Afternoon Nomansland
Where I wait for you,
Is tense and still.
Tendrils of anxious
Electricity creep down my arms
Up my throat.
How will we be today?
The Cat knows.
He is expectant,
Ears pricked ready
For the onslaught.
He is like me.
He loves you with every
Fibre of his being.
But the rough noise
And reckless motion
Send him, tail low, ears back
Dashing from the room.
Very sensible, the Cat.
But I will stay.
I must. To endure
My own inadequacy
My joy, my fear, my pride
Your love, your hate,
Your tears, your exquisite
Delicate miraculous
Humanity and daily grind mundanity
Because I am mum.
So I’ll stroke you now, the Cat
And later, we’ll meet again
And cuddle with the sleepy
Babes, rosy-cheeked,
Books-read and pegs-brushed,
Wondering why we ever
Were anywhere else.
Very sensible, the Cat.
ThinkingInk 